I cannot tell you how much I've waited and longed to say those words. This job has been my dream since I first stepped foot at Luther Dell Bible Camp over 10 years ago. I remember the awe and wonder at the connection I felt and the love I experienced, from a God so big that I could not wrap my mind around Him. I remember being so filled with the contagious joy and enthusiasm and radiance that overflowed from all of my counselors. I wanted to reflect their beauty. I wanted to be a part of it, and I wanted to take it with me everywhere I went. I left behind a larger piece of my heart every week I spent on Big Boy Lake. Every moment of Mighty Mighty and Canteen and Chapel and Free time. I looked forward to that one July week all year-- the week that I could drink in as much of my Heavenly Father as my little heart could hold. Luther Dell was my safe haven.
So... the weird thing is, I'm not working at Luther Dell. I'm working at Luther Point. Honestly, I'm still scratching my head.
I've now lost count of the number of times I've been struck by a lingering "homesickness" for Luther Dell. And somehow, every time, I'm taken aback again when I realize that my heart is still there. So why am I here? What on earth brought me to a place that holds no significance to my heart? No memories, no friendships, no familiarity?
The only explanation I can give for the winding, broken path that's led me here is that there must be something good here for me-- for us. God is as much here as he is at Luther Dell, and I know for certain that he creates life in some of the most unexpected places. He's doing stuff.
1) Friendships. Let's start with the obvious- the people I've met at camp are some of the most astounding individuals I never would have met had I not taken a job in this new place. I completely adore them and the community God has crafted for us.
2) Development of a deeper trust in Jesus. When things are new or different or changing, I'm learning how to trust him through it. I'm not in control, and Jesus has hands capable of holding the world together. Thank goodness.
3) Letting go of those things I thought mattered. Showering is a prime example. That's kind of a joke, but really, showering and looking cute and presentable are of the lowest priority at camp. Aside from those simple things though, I'm starting to more deeply understand the need to let go of things holding me back. It doesn't matter who has hurt me. It doesn't matter what my insecurities are. It doesn't make a difference how much I feel that others approve of me. I am who I am, and nothing less. Letting go of those things weighing me down is essential to accepting myself and utilizing my full potential as a camp counselor. I cannot be a role model unless I become undignified.
Being "undignified" is what I am struggling with most this summer. I am nearly always striving to be better and more put together, instead of resting in the glory of who Jesus is in me. It's in the dark corners of striving for self improvement that dignity prowls, waiting to devour my confidence. I am never quite the person I love.
So, here's to "undignity." My prayer is that the second half of my summer, maybe, just maybe, I could get a taste of it. Maybe I could let go of those things I used to consider monumental, and instead focus on the beauty of God and all he's given me. All the promises he has kept, and the ways he has led me, whether I realized it at the time or not. He is here and he is good.
That was then...
And this change is a-okay. If the first five weeks have been an accurate representation of life at LPBC, that is just fine for me.
The differences make it all the sweeter.
