I've been living a lot of life the past few weeks.
I sort of anticipated that things would level out after the beginning of the year, and I'd be able to sail smoothly through October and November. I had great expectations and great plans for a continued season of harvest and rest, just enjoying my friends and reflecting on where I've been and where I'm going. Sounds so nice, right?
Yeaaah, okay.
That harrowing first week was just the beginning of the new norm for me. (Who knew college could be stressful? Why didn't anyone warn me?!) The last six weeks have consisted of many hurried meals, frequent coffee overdoses, and several caffeine and stress induced anxiety episodes. And while I'm tempted to say that my bedtime moved to a later hour, it would probably be more accurate to say that it moved to an earlier hour... much earlier. Let's put it this way: I've seen the clock read 2am more often than I've seen it read 8am.
But honestly, through all of it, I've loved every single second. There was not even once that I wished I was somewhere else. Okay, once. Maybe twice. But then I punched that thought in the face and thought about people like these:
And these:
This is a pretty loaded post. For some reason, it's taken a long time to get it from my brain to my fingertips, but I think I've finally come up with something that I am proud of. I had to make sure that what I was writing was both truthful and delicately expressed, because this stuff is so important to me. Hopefully I've achieved that.
God has been teaching me so much this semester about what genuine friendship looks like. And especially friendship that is rooted and grounded in Jesus and His love. It has a whole new significance to my heart, significance that resounds beautifully with this new life that I've been given. I do not deserve any of this- I'm not worthy of the care I've been shown, or the love I've been given. But somehow still, it's mine. And I can't stop praising God for all of it.
* * *
If you'd asked me the meaning of the word "friend" when I was fifteen, I likely would have made some offhanded comment identifying things like Facebook, similar interests, inside jokes, coffee shops, and sleepovers. In my mind, "friend" was a term that did not carry much meaning. It could be used to refer to any one of the people that I interacted with in my day. To me, the word "friend" embodied a surface level relationship. It did not seem stable enough to me to be valued. It seemed like something that could be easily cast aside and forgotten. Mainly because that was my experience and because that was how I learned to treat others in response. Thank you, Middle School.
But my understanding of friendship has been changed so much since I've been here at RF.
Of all the misconceptions I had, the one that most consumed me was my need to identify which friendships I considered real. With some, I was outgoing and silly; with some, I was subdued and conversational; with some, I was spontaneous and adventurous. And I felt that I needed to decide which of these were the real friendships, based on what my "true" personality was.
What I didn't recognize is that all friendships have different dynamics. One is not better than another. Certain people bring out certain parts of our personalities. The connections we create through friendships are like intertwining threads that spill and tumble and stitch themselves together into one messy and beautiful knot, until a whole and complete story can be told. We supplement each other in wonderfully diverse ways. Each friend draws on and enhances specific parts of us. And it is through who they are that we can discover new parts of who we are.
Stop and think about that for a second. Because that is seriously cool. I think that is one of the most magnificently creative ideas God ever came up with.
Prime example. Right there. I'm pretty sure that atrocious expression had not EVER graced my features before the night this picture was taken. I don't even know what face that is. Some of the weirdest and most fascinating parts of my character are drawn out when I am with Elle... parts that are not visible with any of my other friends. But they are still completely me.
"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." -Anais Nin
All friendships serve some purpose in growing us.
And the greatest things happen when Jesus is the center of that.
Before college, I had little experience with what it meant to have friendship through Christ. I had very little familiarity with what it looked like to share my story honestly with my friends, or to talk with them about the ways God was working in our lives. I wasn't accustomed to praying with someone, or encouraging someone with scripture, or speaking truth into someone's painful circumstance. To be honest, I had no idea what that was supposed to look like.
But the friends I've made here have been incredible role models of those things. And they've taught me how to see those Christ-like qualities already existing in my other friendships. I've never had friends that I've felt are more trustworthy than the ones I have now because I've grown in love and appreciation for myself, for God, and for true friendship. My value of the people closest to me has increased and my vulnerability to them has become part of what bonds us. There is something so beautiful about being able to bare my soul to someone, new friend or old, and to really trust that they will care for and guard my heart, because they value me above time constraints and earthly things. The more vulnerable I am in my friendships, the more I recognize how much I CAN trust them. What a cool cycle :)
I find incredible strength in my friendships that are centered around Christ. There is something intangible that binds us together, and that is our understanding that we are ONE in Christ. We are part of the same body, in unity with Jesus and with each other. We are heirs to the same perfect throne, and children of the same perfect Father. We belong to Him, and we belong to each other. And we take much greater care with each other's hearts because of this understanding. I've experienced this kind of friendship more this last year than ever before in my life. I wouldn't trade it for the world.
* * * * *
Friend is a loaded word.
"Friend" means something so much deeper and more powerful than what I believed it to mean. A friend climbs up and dances on the table alongside you in celebration, but sits on the curbside at midnight with you when stuff gets hard; a friend encourages and supports and loves at all times; a friend sacrifices and intercedes. Because of some incredible friends that have been placed in my life this year, my understanding of all these things has been completely transformed. I sometimes still find that I struggle to feel adequate, both in my role as a friend and in other areas of my life, but even that internal battle is one that I am able to share the burden of... usually only to be told that I'm being irrational. But what's a friend for, if not to remind you when you're crazy?
When friendship is intentional and encouraging, it is exactly as God intended. We were made to be in relationship with each other, and to be Christ for one another. I could find a zillion friendship quotes and paste them here, but it still wouldn't quite describe the divine nature of friendship.
I will use one though. Somehow scripture quotes feel a little more legitimate :)
"I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you."
-John 15:15
Wait.
Jesus.
Called me...
His friend.
This means SO MUCH MORE to me than it ever did before, because of my new understanding of friendship. To be a friend of Christ means that I am bonded to Him in love and in sacrifice. It means I can be vulnerable with Him and trust Him to care for my heart. It means that he is an advocate for me at all times, and believes in who I am. Jesus' friendship encourages me to use the gifts I've been given to glorify the Father. That is the beauty of my friendship with Christ. It gives me more adequacy than any other friendship I've ever known.
And as Jesus said, everything He learned from the Father He made known to us, as His friends. So, as friends to each other, we should at all times make known to one another the good news of Christ, as well as the good news of our own testimonies.
* * *
I feel deeply cared for. Protected and surrounded and loved. Very very much.
God is good, and I am thankful.
Happy Thanksgiving :)
