collage.

3/29/11

Today, my best friend broke up with her boyfriend of two years.

It broke my heart to see her so sad. But I did what I could to keep her mind off things. We sat huddled under our favorite blanket in our big red checkered chair, watching her favorite flick while munching on popcorn. We sipped hot cocoa and studied the ins and outs of the human genetic makeup for our biology class. But finally, the inevitable: packing away pictures and cards and gifts that would remind her of lost love.

So we set to work. She and I both have large picture collages staged on either side of the room above our dressers. When we first put them up, we spent the better part of an hour perfecting the balance and composition of our collages. They are roughly the same shape: tall, semi-rectangular, and fanning out across the wall in almost an arc.

As we hunted through her collage for those pictures that needed removing and took each one down carefully, more and more holes appeared in her life portrait. We made a stack of the old pictures and set to work rebalancing the collage... filling in the holes, moving photographs around to find that perfect composition that had seemingly come so easily before. After a while, we stepped back.
It just doesn't look right, she kept saying with frustration.

That was when I realized how perfect this situation reflected what was happening in her life. She was ripping pieces of her heart out and tossing them in a pile on her dresser, and then trying to reassemble what was left to fill the holes. Of course it didn't look right after the first try.

Adjustments like this don't happen every day. PTL. But we do have to do a little daily shifting. When changes happen, big or small, we get rid of the things holding us down and reassemble our lives to fill the holes. Those people we love, the hobbies we enjoy, the priorities we hold- they all shift. And it may not look or feel right after our first attempts at filling in those holes. Luckily, we have a firm foundation, a frame within which to rearrange and build-- Jesus is unchanging.

So, after this emotionally draining experience, we curled up for another movie before finally climbing into the warm shelter of our beds. Her poor heart probably tossed and turned far longer than she did before finally settling into restless slumber. It will take time for her to heal, but I'm gonna be here for her every step of the way. I love you, T.

image.

3/17/11

Today I realized something.

It’s something no one could have ever taught me. It’s one of those things I realized that I’d really known all along, but whatever lies drift along the shores of my mind did not allow the truth to break the surface.

It started as a deja vu moment. It caused me to pause while I was putting on my mascara, in front of the same tired, windex streaked mirror, in the same tired, burgundy bathroom where I’ve put on my mascara for the last four years. But this time was different. This time, I was not the same tired, fearful girl who’d stood there the last morning I’d taken a trip home to Fridley. That was when said realization hit me.

I can be anyone I decide to be.

I am no longer held down by expectations. I am no longer simply a mod podge mix of the personality traits of those I admire. I will be the first to admit that I had fallen into a terrible habit of adopting my favorite parts of other people and smashing them all together in an attempt to pass for something unique. Not surprisingly, that pathetic assortment of shallow characteristics was no match for the heavy things life’s been throwing at me this year.

And it took a lot of throwing, but eventually life ripped enough holes in my sloppy, tattered quilt that I had to abandon it completely, leaving me naked and exposed to myself. But when I disassembled the jigsaw puzzle that was my self image-- stepped back from the relationships I was mirroring, and instead began mirroring something (Someone) much bigger than myself-- I realized I can be anyone I decide to be. 

And that is a realization that brings such beautiful confidence.