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3/17/11

Today I realized something.

It’s something no one could have ever taught me. It’s one of those things I realized that I’d really known all along, but whatever lies drift along the shores of my mind did not allow the truth to break the surface.

It started as a deja vu moment. It caused me to pause while I was putting on my mascara, in front of the same tired, windex streaked mirror, in the same tired, burgundy bathroom where I’ve put on my mascara for the last four years. But this time was different. This time, I was not the same tired, fearful girl who’d stood there the last morning I’d taken a trip home to Fridley. That was when said realization hit me.

I can be anyone I decide to be.

I am no longer held down by expectations. I am no longer simply a mod podge mix of the personality traits of those I admire. I will be the first to admit that I had fallen into a terrible habit of adopting my favorite parts of other people and smashing them all together in an attempt to pass for something unique. Not surprisingly, that pathetic assortment of shallow characteristics was no match for the heavy things life’s been throwing at me this year.

And it took a lot of throwing, but eventually life ripped enough holes in my sloppy, tattered quilt that I had to abandon it completely, leaving me naked and exposed to myself. But when I disassembled the jigsaw puzzle that was my self image-- stepped back from the relationships I was mirroring, and instead began mirroring something (Someone) much bigger than myself-- I realized I can be anyone I decide to be. 

And that is a realization that brings such beautiful confidence.