change.

May 13th marked the end of my freshman year of college.

I can honestly say I have been markedly and noticeably changed.

I came to River Falls believing in God, but not believing in His love for me. I believed that it was for everyone else, but that I was completely unworthy of His care, and completely unlovable besides. I can't honestly tell you when this deep belief rooted itself in my heart, and I can't say exactly when it began to uproot and leave, but sometime over this last spring, I was changed in a real way.

The fears are not completely gone. I can still feel the last dark fragments of self doubt and insecurity. They creep up on me at unexpected times. As with any change, it takes time to grow into. I am not fooling myself into thinking that it will be an instant re-creation. Confidence and belief in myself and in my worth are all things that take practice.

So many factors have gone into this change that it's hard to determine just which have been most instrumental. I've shifted my focus from my own human weakness to God's divine power. I've shifted my worth from the people I've placed it in for so long, and instead trust my Savior with my whole heart. I am learning not to run from the sad when it happens, but instead to hold it for just a few moments- accept it as it is and allow myself to feel it. I've adopted a higher opinion of myself and my value to the groups in which I am involved. More than ever, I now feel that I really belong in River Falls.

I spent the last week in the UP, Michigan, with some of the greatest people I've ever met. I went into the trip with prayerful skepticism. I was not sure what to expect, and I was unsure how God was going to draw me closer than I already was. Somehow He did. It was deeply healing just to be with these people: to be listened to and cared for and loved by such a wonderful community of believers. A family of believers, into which I fall like a perfect puzzle piece.

Every moment I was there, I recognized new changes in myself. New ways that I was breaking the mould of sadness and negativity I'd been dwelling in for so long. Expanding horizons, pushing comfort zones, deconstructing walls. I have noticed how much easier it is becoming to share my story. It feels less like dragging it out of myself and more like simple sharing. That can be nothing but God's power at work.

I feel my prayer for confidence being answered more and more every day. I am continuing to dive deeper and deeper into who Jesus is and, in turn, finding who I really am in Jesus.

All glory to God.

helpfulness.

I took a spiritual gifts assessment as part of an InterVarsity Large Group team... thing. And I wasn't so sure about the accuracy. So, what did I do when I got back to the dorm? If you guessed "took 76 more spiritual gift assessments" let's just say... you're not wrong. Not surprisingly, the results were pretty much the same. Helpfulness, Music, Exhortation, Encouragement, and Faith. Expected.

What wasn't really expected was the wording of some of the questions I was answering.
Take this, for example:
"Do you feel that the Holy Spirit leads you to help others in small ways that deeply move them?"

Um, what?

FIRST: I grew up in a church where the H.S. was acknowledged but never really given power. I would never call my church "traditional," in the true sense of the word, but we definitely aren't a rock band-ing, hand raising, charismatic mega church. By any means. Sure, we have a decent worship team, complete with drum set and electric guitar; sure, we have pastors that have freed themselves from the confines of the pulpit; and sure, we've eliminated all traces of organ music... but I'd still call us a "developing" contemporary church. We're Lutheran, after all, give us a break. Anyway, I understand the Holy Spirit, but I have very little experience with his transcendency and power.

SECOND: I am a helper. That is my identity. If I am nothing else, I'm helpful. Seriously. The first words out of my mouth are nearly always, "What can I do?" I get it from my dad. He's annoying about it, and I'm nearly 100% positive I'm getting to be the same way.

So when asked a question like "Do you feel that the Holy Spirits leads you to help others..." I really had to ask myself: where are my motives coming from?

And continuing with that question, "...in small ways that have deeply moved them?"

"Small ways" is a phrase that has never come to mind in my helping experiences. When I help, I'm all in. For the difficult stuff. I like to be recognized as strong, dependable, and capable. Even though maybe I'm not. So "small ways" has never really been my thing.

And as for "deeply moved"? Well, wouldn't we all like to deeply move someone with our actions? Isn't that the greatest reward for helpfulness? Not even recognition, but just to know that we've made a difference?

I've never felt that my helpfulness has been "deeply moving." But I realize that this is something I long for. With every cell in my body. I want to change people. I want to deeply move.

My prayer this week is that I would no longer look for ways that I can glorify myself by helping others, but that the Holy Spirit would lead me to help others in ways that will glorify God, whether tasks small or large. Because if deeply moving is the end result, the only way there is the glory of God.