helpfulness.

I took a spiritual gifts assessment as part of an InterVarsity Large Group team... thing. And I wasn't so sure about the accuracy. So, what did I do when I got back to the dorm? If you guessed "took 76 more spiritual gift assessments" let's just say... you're not wrong. Not surprisingly, the results were pretty much the same. Helpfulness, Music, Exhortation, Encouragement, and Faith. Expected.

What wasn't really expected was the wording of some of the questions I was answering.
Take this, for example:
"Do you feel that the Holy Spirit leads you to help others in small ways that deeply move them?"

Um, what?

FIRST: I grew up in a church where the H.S. was acknowledged but never really given power. I would never call my church "traditional," in the true sense of the word, but we definitely aren't a rock band-ing, hand raising, charismatic mega church. By any means. Sure, we have a decent worship team, complete with drum set and electric guitar; sure, we have pastors that have freed themselves from the confines of the pulpit; and sure, we've eliminated all traces of organ music... but I'd still call us a "developing" contemporary church. We're Lutheran, after all, give us a break. Anyway, I understand the Holy Spirit, but I have very little experience with his transcendency and power.

SECOND: I am a helper. That is my identity. If I am nothing else, I'm helpful. Seriously. The first words out of my mouth are nearly always, "What can I do?" I get it from my dad. He's annoying about it, and I'm nearly 100% positive I'm getting to be the same way.

So when asked a question like "Do you feel that the Holy Spirits leads you to help others..." I really had to ask myself: where are my motives coming from?

And continuing with that question, "...in small ways that have deeply moved them?"

"Small ways" is a phrase that has never come to mind in my helping experiences. When I help, I'm all in. For the difficult stuff. I like to be recognized as strong, dependable, and capable. Even though maybe I'm not. So "small ways" has never really been my thing.

And as for "deeply moved"? Well, wouldn't we all like to deeply move someone with our actions? Isn't that the greatest reward for helpfulness? Not even recognition, but just to know that we've made a difference?

I've never felt that my helpfulness has been "deeply moving." But I realize that this is something I long for. With every cell in my body. I want to change people. I want to deeply move.

My prayer this week is that I would no longer look for ways that I can glorify myself by helping others, but that the Holy Spirit would lead me to help others in ways that will glorify God, whether tasks small or large. Because if deeply moving is the end result, the only way there is the glory of God.